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patti
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Posted: Sat Nov 10th, 2007 08:05 am |
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This is my first time to come out public to write about this awful tragedy thats going on in this world. Mines started when i was in diapers but my first memory starts at 3 years old. My father sexually molested me till i was 11 years old. After it stop my feelings towards men was a miserable road for me, very confused what I was suppose to do in my own relationships that started too young just to get out of the house of my father.
I have a lot to talk about that i don't feel comfortable sometimes to be bringing it up. Hopefully, this page wil allow me to heal better but most of all i have stayed away from drugs and alcohol because they just make the situation worse. But like most of us we are still alive and have to deal the best we can. My father is now in prison for the rape of my daughter for his remaining life. To this day I will never regret turning him in as soon as my daughter had told me after a couple years of therapy is when she told me who rape her because she was afraid of telling me. She didn't want to see tears in my eyes was her excuse. I told her that i believed in her and that i would do whatever it took to put him behind bars and it worked with the help of prayers and the help from the district attorneys and their assistants from Washington. The case was in austin, tx.
I couldn't of made it thru without my than fiance who held me up when I couldn't stand to hear the details my daughter gave the detective. He was repeating from the statement what she gave them. I broke down in my fiance's arms crying for this to of never happened. It happened to me and I could feel and understand my daughter's agony and pain. It took me to the greater debts of my soul before I could come thru and actually become alive again but before that happened I had to make sure my daughter was at least okay because this is for the rest of your life to hold in your soul that's makes who you are today. You could be bitter and show it alot or bitter but don't let it control your everyday life. Because we're still alive.
From me to you (survivors), I'll always be here to write since I found you'll. Please reply if any questions or for general talk. For me writing this feels great to release and to breath. Please take care of yourself, you are a survivor- and a fighter don't give up. If you give up than your molester will have won. God bless you'll I'll write later.
Patsy lopez
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Makwa
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Posted: Sun Nov 11th, 2007 06:35 pm |
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Hey Patsy. I have been offline for a little while and your's was the first post i read since getting back here. I'm glad you wrote. Yes, we are all survivors. My dad is dead now and overall my feeling is relief but i was asked a question in a game we were playing the other day, if you could go back in time and say something you didn't say or not say something that you did, what would you do? And my instant response was I would have confronted my dad and freed myself from the oppressive secrecy i STILL feel. And do you know something? The idea of doing that STILL scares me, STILL freezes me over. Incredible. Anyway, I'm glad your dad is in prison for the rest of his life. I ache for your daughter. But she has a mom who stood and stands by her, and that is SO MUCH. Keep writing. And thanks for your post....
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patti
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Posted: Sun Nov 11th, 2007 10:35 pm |
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I had to respond to your reply on my post. First thanks for reading this. I'm on a long journey on this subject and at 38 I've registered back in college to get into criminal justice so that one day I can bust a child molester or prevent one from happening. My long journey is that I'm searching for my dad's victims, cause he used to be a profane truck driver and traveled all over Texas to deliver profane to houses mostly to the country homes and mobile homes. When court took place the tv and radio only had media coverage for only two days. I was disappointed because I wanted his victims to know that he was put away. So I feel I need to search for them, so I'm going on a road trip on the 25th - 27th of November. I'll be putting posts up if anyone in those towns would recognise him. And for them to get in contact with me. I hope all goes well. But I won't stop there I'll continue every 4 weeks on the road trips till I find someone so that they can heal immediately. The only thing is it happened over 30 yrs ago. Before I die, my dream is to protect as many children I can. To make their future more positive for them, to lead a normal life as possible. I'll write later and give more on to the story of my life. One day at a time. Love always to all the survivors and to those who are helping us god bless.
patti lopez
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patti
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Posted: Sun Nov 11th, 2007 10:35 pm |
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I had to respond to your reply on my post. First thanks for reading this. I'm on a long journey on this subject and at 38 I've registered back in college to get into criminal justice so that one day I can bust a child molester or prevent one from happening. My long journey is that I'm searching for my dad's victims, cause he used to be a profane truck driver and traveled all over Texas to deliver profane to houses mostly to the country homes and mobile homes. When court took place the tv and radio only had media coverage for only two days. I was disappointed because I wanted his victims to know that he was put away. So I feel I need to search for them, so I'm going on a road trip on the 25th - 27th of November. I'll be putting posts up if anyone in those towns would recognise him. And for them to get in contact with me. I hope all goes well. But I won't stop there I'll continue every 4 weeks on the road trips till I find someone so that they can heal immediately. The only thing is it happened over 30 yrs ago. Before I die, my dream is to protect as many children I can. To make their future more positive for them, to lead a normal life as possible. I'll write later and give more on to the story of my life. One day at a time. Love always to all the survivors and to those who are helping us god bless.
patti lopez
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Thu Nov 15th, 2007 03:20 pm |
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Patti,
Welcome - I'm glad you found us too...I envy your gift of being able to put your abuser in jail...
I was raped as a child too...and molested by my father from infancy to age 12...and he abused many other children too - here in Minnesota - the so called police wouldn't even intevene when my mother was ill and contacted them...nor would they intervene when me and my sisters went to them after my mom's death...so he continues to abuse and he's in his 70's...
My first husband who raped and beat me...cut another woman with knife and tried to rape her and got off without even any sexual crime on his record (he has rich parents)...he beat and abused 2 more wives and his kids and then illegally stole my kids...and raped my youngest daughter from age 7-13..when I finally got her back, she was so damaged...I went through 8-9 years of behavioral treatments, psych treatments, CD treatments, counseling, prosecuting men who raped her and putting them in prison, foster placements, truancy, alternative schools, shelters, the destruction of my current marriage (we've been separated for 4 years) due to our inability to handle the constant stress and violence, watching her get abused over and over by everyone she hooked up with, police intervention over and over...and for the past 3 years...after we took my first husband to court for incest and it destroyed our entire family - especially relationships with her siblings and grandchildren (some we haven't seen in 4years)...my daughter went back to drugs after he got off...and she's been getting sicker every year since...I can't describe the soul pain I suffer for my child...or the guilt or self-hate for anything I did or didn't do that placed her in the position she ended up in so long ago...or the guilt or self-hate over the fact that I've been 'unable' to 'save' her or even help her anymore...watching her self-destruct has been the most painful event of my life...
Currently she's homeless again and so sick she can't even look for a job let alone hold one and today I have to tell her she can't stay with me (she's extremely violent and rageful and uncontrollable and unwilling to accept any help at all for recovery) and I am overwhelmed with the thought of the whole insanity of it all...and the hopelessness of it all...if I don't make her leave (I let her stay here for a couple days)...she'll destroy me...I'm already getting sick just from a couple days due to the insanity and stress...and my current husbnad, who enables her and then abuses her,...I just can't see her going back to his place either...
It's these days when the darkness of the soul murder from child sexual abuse seems most dark...and impenetrable....and the hopelessness of helping someone who doesn't want help because they're too sick to know how sick they are...when I tell her she has to leave....I know she'll get out of control and I'm praying if I call the police...they'll place her in the hospital...but anymore in MN...no one 'wants' to help the really sick...or the really damaged...they usually just dump them on a street somewhere....or the hospital releases them when they are still sick...
Jesus in Heaven...I so desparately want her to get help...but she's beyond asking anymore...and I don't know that anyone will listen anymore to me...
So...I envy you...and the gift you were able to give your child...I only wish I could've given that gift to my own child..but I also commend you...because I know the emotional, physical, psychological and spiritual toll that it took on you to go through the court system...I did it too and it was so hard...hug your daughter for me...and if you find time...pray for my daughter.
Cathie
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patti
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Posted: Thu Nov 15th, 2007 07:24 pm |
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Dear Cathy,
I'm so sorry for your agony it has me crying to my soul. Yes, after reading your letter about your daughter it has me to realizing how I still have my daughter around who is doing very well in school. It's was hard to be pushing for justice cuz this case almost closed because she at first sd it was someone else(two people) cuz she didn't want me to cry if she told me it was my father and she didn't even know that my father had did what he did to me. So it was like history repeating itself.
My dear, keep hanging on. I'm feeling chills thru my body so bad after reading your story. You must remove alot of the negative energy in your house. Have a priest or pastor come and bless your home. It is your decision as how u approach your daughter, but also remember your pain of what u went thru so that you can help her. Do you have a front porch? If u do invite her to talk with u and have maybe something that is her favorite snack or food and have tea or some other favorite drink. Show her a little specialness and she'll see that u still love her. I know this is extremely hard to put your guard down to do this but in order for her to complete the full 8-9 years of you not being there because of this awful person, her father, she still needs the comfort of her mother and to protect the little girl inside of her is what she is seeking. Do u have anything of hers when she was little like a stuff animal or an ornament? If not go buy her a cute stuff animal, this will reach the little girl in her so that she can start to heal. Her rage is from those years not the present. She raged because no one was there to help her and it wasn't your fault but I understand u being the way u feel. It pops up in my head every day. The suggestion i gave wont work on that day, because it'll take some more visits to start. Remember she has to feel the trust and love from u all over again to feel good about herself. If it gets out of hand, than call the police and protect yourself. Dear, please write me as to what happens all the time. What I'm saying is I'll be behind you on this. Did u know that with the case like my father they will have to open your daughter's because there was a case, the state of texas v. herman mcmillin just like yours. I'm not sure but look on to it and see if they still have evidence. Also look to see if any others put your father or ex on similar charges or statements accusing them of rape or molestation. You can justify to the state attorney that this is happening to others.
I will still keep in touch and write. If any help don't hestitate to contact me via thru this page. I'm trying to help others as well thru this.
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Fri Nov 16th, 2007 01:57 pm |
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Patti,
I talked to my daughter Thursday...told her the only way she could stay with me is if she gets help - goes back to AA/NA meetings, goes back into 'therapy' for her abuse issues - sees someone for her rage...and I told her if she wants to keep living like she's been living she'll have to find a 'using' friend to stay with...she agreed to go back to meetings and the other things...I told her if she was doing it for me - not to waste the time...and that she'ld have to have 'cards' signed because there was no trust anymore and I would not be 'used' again...and that if she was violent in my home, I would call the police and have her removed...and that she'ld have to find a job...again...and keep it...and that if she 'used' again...not to even bother coming back because I would not allow her to destroy my life again and I would not watch her destroy her life...she agreed...so...I guess we'll see...
I still feel 'funny' about it...because I've been here before with her...but yesterday evening...for the first time in 6 days...she laughed again...and so did I...so we'll see...
When I told her to 'call her using friends'...she said "I don't have any friends mom"...
So...I guess only time will tell...
I have had my home blessed already...and I pray 'protection' prayers and use holy water and salt..I just don't know anymore...
I hate to shut the last door she has...no one else in the 'family' is willing to help her anymore...I just don't want to 'enable' her to stay sick anymore...so we'll see.
Of course...when I see her pain...I fight my own 'murderous rage' at my first husband and his sick masonic family and the incalcuable damage they've perpetrated on me and my children and his other children...
But, like I told her, even if I was to kill them all...she and I would still be damaged...getting rid of them would not undo any of the damage...and all the hate and rage isn't affecting them at all...it's destroying us...that the best choice we have is to recover our dignity and lives...and that that is how we will defeat them...
Anyway...thanks for your support and suggestions...
May God be with you today.
Cathie
Last edited on Sat Nov 17th, 2007 04:31 pm by Mending Soul
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Sat Nov 17th, 2007 04:30 pm |
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An update...my daughter is too sick to even make one phone call to let me know if she's coming home or not...is too sick to even look for a job...is too sick to follow through on anything...
So, today I will be calling the emergency social services and police to have her taken to the hospital again...I am dreading it...I've already spoken with both about how sick she is...so they are just waiting my call whenever she shows up again...
It's so sad the damage sexual abuse does to us...she is so sick now from self-medicating and allowing others to use her that her whole personality is completely fractured...and she's even incapable of self-care...I was that sick once...and I needed intervention...so...I am praying that she accept help today...or she'll be back on the street...because she's into so much vileness...pornography...satanism...drug dealing and drug use...and it's killing her...it's damaged her so much she can't even function anymore...the hardest part is the rage and violence she directs toward me...(that's why I'll probably need police intervention too....)...
The one redeeming hope is that when all is said and done...she still comes back to me when she's sick...so there's a part of her that wants it to stop...
Pray for me that I have the strength to do this again...it's so emotionally exhausting...and I am already a wreck in my own right...
Thanks for listening (reading) my heart.
Cathie
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Sun Nov 18th, 2007 01:28 am |
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Well, the latest update is that my daughter came home and I told her she would not be able to stay at my house anymore and she had an hour to find either another place to stay, or to go the hospital and accept help. She chose to find another 'using' person to stay with and her anger was so palpable, I could have cut it with a knife...my husband also told her she couldn't stay with him (a miracle as he's been her chief enabler)...and I did have emergency social services and the police at the house, so she knew well enough not to get violent...(In the past, she has been violent and forcibly removed and placed in the hospital...and she knows that I follow through when I 'make threats' to seek intervention...)
But the soul pain of watching a homeless, jobless, suffering, completely bankrupt victim choose to stay sick hurts so much...and yet I know that only 'tough' love will help her...because in the whole week she was here, she did absolutely nothing to help herself...except go out with an old boyfriend and drink...I hate the disease of alcoholism...I hate the disease of mental illness...but mostly I hate the damage perpetrated on innocent children by sick pedophiles...and the total corruption of the soul and the life of the victim because of it...
I just will not allow anyone (or their disease) to 'use' me to stay sick anymore...but this thing today was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I told her if she ever wanted to get well, that I was here...but that if she wanted to stay sick and keep destroying herself, she would not be allowed to do so in my presence, because I just won't watch her die anymore...I told her she was welcome to visit me, but that she was not able to live in my home and continue her self-destructive lifestyle...
In spite of her rage, when she left, she hugged me and said she loved me...the little girl inside is suffering so much...I only wish I had the ability to make her want to get well...but I don't...I can only help myself...
Lord in Heaven...the pain of 'tough love' is so wrenching...
I pray I won't have to bury her...or put up 'missing posters' again...she's been missing many times...I pray she decides staying sick hurts more than getting well...but until then...all I can do is pray.
Thank you for anyone who prayed for us.
Cathie
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patti
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Posted: Thu Nov 22nd, 2007 02:36 pm |
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My dear soul,
This Thanksgiving, I give thanks that at least my daughter is with her father safe and not going thru what your daughter is going thru. To read your letters is hell. I hate for you to go thru this yet alone. But I'm here to read and reply. Also to pray for your tired soul. I'm glad she gave you that hug, its going to take a hundred more like that in order for her to heal her body. She needs your warmth to go thru her body and touch her soul. Don't give up because if you do than the devil will win.
It's not about using you it's about the little girl in her who wants to come out and heal. It's the only way for her to release herself. Maybe this what I'm going to say is not for you but I'm going to explain this - if you are physical enough to handle your daughter than I suggest that whenever you are around her, grab her and hug her real tight and don't let go. Tell her you love her so much repeat constantly till she calms down. I know its real hard to handle and you feel like going to sleep and never wake up. But your daughter is here and barely alive. You have to feed her soul because right now her soul is starving for her mother. You are the only one that can bring her back it's all in your hands. Yes, theres doctors and therapists but the mother's touch is the one that can bring our children back to us. You must believe that you are the strongest person for her and that your little girl can one day rest. I must go now but your on mind today for Thanksgiving and I really pray for you cause you are going to lose yoursef soon. Get away from the environment and go somewheres by yourself to release. That's what I'm doing this saturday, I'm going over 100 miles to travel and visit this old couple and go to their church for comfort. I'll write later about it and how i feel and I'll reply to your letter as well. Be strong and lots of love coming from me. Thanks Patti
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patti
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Posted: Thu Nov 22nd, 2007 02:36 pm |
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My dear soul,
This Thanksgiving, I give thanks that at least my daughter is with her father safe and not going thru what your daughter is going thru. To read your letters is hell. I hate for you to go thru this yet alone. But I'm here to read and reply. Also to pray for your tired soul. I'm glad she gave you that hug, its going to take a hundred more like that in order for her to heal her body. She needs your warmth to go thru her body and touch her soul. Don't give up because if you do than the devil will win.
It's not about using you it's about the little girl in her who wants to come out and heal. It's the only way for her to release herself. Maybe this what I'm going to say is not for you but I'm going to explain this - if you are physical enough to handle your daughter than I suggest that whenever you are around her, grab her and hug her real tight and don't let go. Tell her you love her so much repeat constantly till she calms down. I know its real hard to handle and you feel like going to sleep and never wake up. But your daughter is here and barely alive. You have to feed her soul because right now her soul is starving for her mother. You are the only one that can bring her back it's all in your hands. Yes, theres doctors and therapists but the mother's touch is the one that can bring our children back to us. You must believe that you are the strongest person for her and that your little girl can one day rest. I must go now but your on mind today for Thanksgiving and I really pray for you cause you are going to lose yoursef soon. Get away from the environment and go somewheres by yourself to release. That's what I'm doing this saturday, I'm going over 100 miles to travel and visit this old couple and go to their church for comfort. I'll write later about it and how i feel and I'll reply to your letter as well. Be strong and lots of love coming from me. Thanks Patti
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Mending Soul
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Posted: Tue Nov 27th, 2007 01:07 am |
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Latest update,
My daughter was beat up at her using friends house...again...but something must have 'clicked' in her this time, as she is willing to 'get well' now...
She's living with an old boyfriend and spending some days over my house...she even came over and helped me with cleaning before Thanksgiving...a first...so...there's hope...I guess only time will tell...she's been clean over 2 weeks now...
Me, I am not doing so well myself...I'm losing the sight in my left eye...and really hurt my back and ribs cleaning...so I hurt all over...and of course the daily depression of being so poor and having to 'beg' all the time for food money etc is really getting me down...
But, I have a warm house...warm water...and 2 kitties who love me...so there are still good things in my life...
Thanks for all the support and love.
Cathie
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Makwa
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Posted: Tue Nov 27th, 2007 02:18 am |
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Oh Cathie! I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. For all of us. But when our kids hurt, it's a different kind of pain we feel, huh? at least for me, it's sometimes the pain my son feels that i can't deny, like i deny myself and my own pain for all these years.
You are in my thoughts.
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patti
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Posted: Tue Nov 27th, 2007 09:27 pm |
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| Well, that is good news about your daughter but not the way we like it to have turned out. But after a bad experience like that your daughter can now see that your there for her in a good way. Well, this 24th,25th and 26th- I went to travel to the south of texas from where i live and rode down to the Palacios beach by myself to vent my mind out and have some peace come thru me. My best friend died 4 years ago due to her terminal illness and it made it worse by her boyfriend who put her thru alot of stress. I didn't know she had died till 2 years later. I took it hard. Her and I didn't talk because I was tired of hearing all the bad things he was doing to her emotionally and I finally decided that I didn't want any part of our friendship till she got her life in order to realize he was bad for her. Don't get me wrong but I was constantly trying to get her out of this relationship but she couldn't see the light. So I knew she wouldn't leave so I left for my sanity. Do it over again and I would of called the cops over and over , take her to visit a counselor, or any other solution. I would of stayed. But now I can tell others to don't walk away stay no matter how hard it is till you convince that loved one or friend to have a better life. Let me know how it went and keep your faith in god strong he always comes thru no matter what I'll write later. god bless!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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patti
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Posted: Wed Feb 27th, 2008 03:04 pm |
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dear mending soul,
i havent forgotten about u at all. i've been extremely busy with my health problems and trying to keep the house running at the same time. also my g-son had been sick with his terminal illness before valentines. i like to know how it turned out for your daughter, is she alright? are u alright? let me know, okay. miss u
love, mrs. patti lopez
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