I read some of your blog. You have great courage to go forward and face your abusers and your pain and your shame. I am awed at your persistance to recover. I was abused by my father, uncle, a boyfriend, husbands, others and later a priest...I have spent years in and out of therapy, treatments, etc. and still have not had the courage to confront my abusers to their faces. I want what you have...courage and growth...I still have so far to go...everytime I allow myself to trust someone, I find myself betrayed at some level...and am now just realizing how much of it is my convoluted and damaged ability to interact in any intimate way. Some days, the enormity of the damage to my psyche, my thought processes, my heart, my body and my relationship with my God is so all encompassing, I feel such deep despair of ever recovering a whole self...or of my own life ever making some sort of sense...today...I feel as though I am drowning in the devastation of my past again...and the brokenesss of the self...The thought of opening up to another counselor...I haven't been 'open' much for the past few years, even though I've been to counseling...I am sickened at the 'repeatedtiveness' of the damage and my own damaged life choices...and my own 'victim' responses to life on life's terms...and I am sickened at re-opening the ugliness of all the wounds again...so...I guess I will be looking for a new counselor again...and praying that this time...it's a trustworthy Christian...who understands sexual abuse and sexual violence and the complete and total devastation of the human person as a result...any other counselor would be inadequate...as I have learned through painful experience...Pray for me today if you can...once again...the dungeon of abuse has me trapped inside shivering.
