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Di
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Posted: Sun Jul 1st, 2007 12:57 am |
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I hope some of you find this and read it quick. I just found out last week that I am facing my abuser on Tues. July 3. This is good because I thought I was going to have to wait until the fall. As the day gets closer I am nervous and scared. But I am also sure I need to do this.
I could use some encouragement.
Di
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Lorus
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Posted: Sun Jul 1st, 2007 05:04 am |
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Di, you know he can't hurt you anymore, you have the strength. You are in control. Look him in the eye and let him see your power, let him know you are no longer a person who will take any shit!
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Di
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Posted: Sun Jul 1st, 2007 04:26 pm |
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 I am nervous but very glad it is happening. I know that my most important work will occur inside of me and not on the outside or in the conversation. I need to sit and be me and be safe for myself and not reach out for anything from him. That is what this is all about.
When I began this process I could not verbalize that but I knew I had to do it. Quite a few folks were a little nervous about it but I convinced them. Then this week I had to convince my pastor that I wanted no one else there but him to support me. Tom wanted me to include Robin, my husband.
Robin and I have a wonderful marriage and I love him deeply. I will feel his love and support 100%. Nevertheless, he would want to protect me and I would be concerned about his response and emotions during the conversation. I do not want anyone there that I have to take care of or at least feel I do.
Originally I did not want anyone there - just me and Bob - but after I first talked to Bob and discovered how deeply he was living in denial, I felt like someone else needed to be there. That is when I asked Tom. Tom is the opposite of Bob in my life. He is a pastor with integrity who maintains healthy boundaries. Bob wanted his son-in-law there and that is fine with me because he can't deny or forget anything I tell him that way. But 4 is almost too many in my mind. Adding Robin just doesnt' feel right.
I had a hard 24 hours having to stand up for myself with Tom. All my old approval issues (that I honestly thought were gone) came flying out and when he expressed concern that he could not be my advocate fully if he was being the moderator - I felt abandoned and that was a super big issue in my life as well. He nailed two weaknesses in one conversation.
Interestingly Robin became my advocate with Tom. :-) Tom wanted him to be my advocate so I guess he got that. Robin will be there close by if I need him but not in the meeting. Tom will be my advocate first and secondly the moderator.
I still feel wounded though and don't want to go into the Bob confrontation that way so I hope Tom and I get to talk some first. It is kind of funny that I was more freaked over my conversation with Tom than I was about talking to Bob. Bob really doesn't have control over me or I couldn't do this.
Di
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stephanie
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Posted: Mon Jul 2nd, 2007 12:32 pm |
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Di,
You are so strong and courageous to stand up to him! When I finally reached the point when I felt I needed to tell my Mom, I was a nervous wreck because I thought , in all fairness to my dad, that he should be there, too. But, I could not face him. that time was just to tell my mom. (Actually, 10 years earleir I had met with my dad , with my husband and therapist, where he admitted, but I was asked to still be quiet about it.)
I never saw my dad, alive, again after my whole family knew. I was too afraid to face him, and to this day, the thought of seeing him scares me. I guess I still feel afraid that he would be mad at me for telling and making such a big deal about it.
I admire you for being able to stand up to your abuser, no matter how scary it is. You are doing the right thing to help YOU. I am glad you have support around you.
Take care of yourself.
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scw4survivors
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Posted: Mon Jul 2nd, 2007 02:23 pm |
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I will say a prayer for you, Di. I hope you can find whatever it is that you need in this meeting.
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Di
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Posted: Mon Jul 2nd, 2007 06:56 pm |
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Say several, if you don't mind. :-)
I may not know until it is over all that it is supposed to be accomplished. Much has already been accomplished in my phone conversations. I will let you know.
Di
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Lorus
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Posted: Tue Jul 3rd, 2007 01:40 am |
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| Your in my prayers too Di, I think this will be a big part of your healing. I thought about how it would have been if My father were still alive and I could confront him. So when you go in the room, you'll take part of me with you.
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Lorus
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Posted: Tue Jul 3rd, 2007 01:40 am |
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| Last edited on Tue Jul 3rd, 2007 01:40 am by Lorus
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adrienne
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Posted: Tue Jul 3rd, 2007 02:13 pm |
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| thinking of you today, Di.
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Di
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Posted: Tue Jul 3rd, 2007 02:29 pm |
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I talked with my shrink last night and he emphasized my getting my voice back. That I was taking into the meeting my adult voice, something I did not have at 17.
I have been working on celebrating the adult this morning and focussing on the horrendousness of the emotional abuse.
I think telling Bob the effects of the abuse will be a big part of this.
I am glad to have you with me Lorus!
Di
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Di
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Posted: Wed Jul 4th, 2007 02:24 am |
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I did it and it went well for me. Rather than write it all over again, you can go to my blog and read about it. http://prodigaldaughter-di.blogspot.com
Thanks for the support and please comment on the blog if you will.
Di
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adrienne
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Posted: Wed Jul 4th, 2007 02:50 am |
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| I read your blog about the confrontation and the legacy of pastoral abuse. Thank you for sharing both. I am glad the meeting went well.
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Di
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Posted: Wed Jul 4th, 2007 12:26 pm |
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Thanks for reading it Adrienne. It is amazing how much my internet family is meets my need for connection.
Di
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Lorus
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Posted: Wed Jul 4th, 2007 01:21 pm |
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| I read your blog as well, thanks for sharing this.
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Becky Desjardin
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Posted: Sat Jul 14th, 2007 09:07 pm |
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Dear Di,
I know you are very nerovus, who would not be. I am a 59 yr old incest survivor with sooooooooooooo many yrs of therapy behind me. I still get nervous thinking about encounters with my perps!
I never actually got a chance to do it face to face with "him", but I did face my mother. All I can say is have support with you. YOU KNOW you are NOT TO BLAME. YOU know you are telling the truth. We all know you are. But when facing a perp you have to expect them to deny the entire abuse. It can be very traumatic.
Please have supportive people there with you. AND STAND YOUR GROUND. I do not know you, but I am proud of you for being strong enough to do this!
I just found this group myself and it is wonderful. I have been peer councelling other women and girls for over 15 yrs now. I have also written a book. I am SO glad there are more and more of us speaking out. WE ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Best of luck Di!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{GO GET EM GIRL}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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